Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
