I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
