oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
