I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Randomize
