The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
should my penis look like a turkey
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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