Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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