Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
