i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Randomize
