I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
tell me about the eggs
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