Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
