You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
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