it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
