You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
