Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
