Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Found the puke drawer
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
