I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
