Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I seem to have left my pride at pride
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
