I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
