He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
