I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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