nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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