Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
