The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
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I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
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Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
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