I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
