Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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