I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
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