I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
pray to the hookup gods
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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