I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.