Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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