my phone needs a breathalizer
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
