Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
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The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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