Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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