Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Randomize
