Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
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