the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize