checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
