How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
