I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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