Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
