so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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