"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
