every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Randomize
