saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Randomize
