You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
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There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
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