I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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