I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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