I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
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Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
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I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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