You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
the raccoons are back...
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