Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Randomize
