Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
