his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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