i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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