I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
