Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
